Re-Solving

Conflict resolution: not easy or fun, but one of those essential life skills we all wish we were just born with.  This week we focused on causes of and solutions for conflict.  I learned a lot.  The speaker on Monday said that "personality conflict" wasn't a real thing.  My gut reaction was, "Um, you're crazy, heck yes it is."  But then he explained it and I began to see his point.  He outlined 5 types of conflict:

-Process: people raised doing the same things different ways, both thinking the other is crazy and doing it wrong.  It's not personal, it's just a process.  Definitely something to keep in mind.

-Role: I can't explain this one as well, but I think it has to with when people either fulfill or don't fulfill the roles the have.  Example: if one of my friends starting acting more like my mom than my friend, that could create some conflict.

-Interpersonal: self-explanatory (or too complicated to summarize...)

-Directional:  "Well, I think we should go that way."  "Nope, you're wrong, there's nothing worth seeing that way. Let's go this way." "Grrrr." etc.

-External: weather, traffic, sickness, etc.

I also learned that I'm quite reluctant to admit when conflict is external because I like to be in control of my situation.  I realize that sometimes it is just out of my hands, but I like to believe that if I prepare enough, I can be ready to avert any disaster.


A few of things the presenter said didn't sit well with me though:

"If two people are complete agreement, then only one of them is thinking."  False.  Moses 7:18  When we draw closer to the Lord and see it the way He does, we naturally come into harmony with each other.  Agreement isn't a softy, passive, wishy-washy cop out.  Harmony is beautiful.

"If you enter any conversation with the idea that you're right, then you have already started wrong." I don't know that that's always true.  Then all our missionaries are starting on the wrong foot fairly consistently.  ; ) It's not a crime to acknowledge that sometimes you are just plain right.  There's never a good reason to be a snob about it, but if you know you're right, I don't see a good reason to back down. I'd reword that sentence a bit, "If you enter any conversation with a presumptuous attitude about needing to be right, then you should stop talking and go chill."

Okay, I'm done being a critic.  Now I'll be a student again.

The speaker used a great metaphor about using our emotions effectively.  "Emotions are like water—highly useful when channeled positively, but incredibly destructive if left to run their course unchecked."  I hadn't honestly given much thought to questioning the validity of my emotions before.  I just feel what I please.  I don't always act on my feelings, but I let them be.  Taking a step back and objectively looking at the situation to decide if I even have a right or reason to feel the way I do could help me get unnecessary emotions off my chest.  That sounds so overly analytical and not poetic in the least, but it makes sense.

 In addition to learning from our speaker, we analyzed our personal approaches to solving conflict via a personality/conflict approach test.  There were 5 ways of approaching conflict as outlined by this test.  My results were: accommodating (10), competing (6), collaborating (5), avoiding (5), and compromising (4).  I wasn't surprised.  I guess a lot of people who know me might be taken aback by the competition aspect, but my dad reminded me yesterday that I'm the second most competitive person he knows.  Second only to my mom. ; )  I can readily see my accommodating side.  I'm pretty good at rolling with it and not letting whatever it is bother me too much.  And when things cross the line, I usually don't have a problem saying so—in a nice way, usually.

Finally, I know—sorry about the novel!—but the point that I liked best of this whole topic is the idea of re-solving.  For a perfectionist like me, having things get constantly undone and need re-doing gets a little frustrating.  It's really good and refreshing for me to remember that life and everything in it is a process, not a checklist.  The work is never done.  The problems constantly need re-solving.  That doesn't mean we failed at solving it the first time.  Needing to wash our clothes every week doesn't mean we did a sloppy wash job last week, it simply needs doing again.  Conflicts need consistent, if not constant, maintenance and monitoring.

The primary conflict in my leadership role is getting people to actually report their visiting teaching to their supervisors on time.  It hasn't happened yet.  But, I need to keep the perspective that it's an issue that needs constant, patient attention.  And it's certainly not a personality conflict—I am not in the least bit upset with any of our girls—I love them to pieces!  It's just a process thing that isn't quite ironed out.  We'll get there. My goal is to have things running smoothly before I turn that report over to the assistant secretary.  It would be nice to take care of it first so we don't dump an open can of worms on this poor girl's lap...

As always, thanks for hanging in there!  Maybe someday I'll learn to economize language, but not today!